Friends

So, it’s already the second week of the fall term at the college I go to and I still have no friends.

I thought that my old roommates and I would hang out all the time but they don’t even text me. How am I supposed to make friends, can someone teach me.

These first weeks of my fall term have been rough. I am rooming with two other people and it’s the worst thing ever. When I started in summer I was excited for the fall to come so that I could have roommates that I am with all the time but it turned out to be terrible. I thought we would be best friends forever but they both already made friend groups but I don’t have any friends. I don’t even have my own room to cry in. Where the fuck am I supposed to cry.

One day this week I had texted my best friend from my hometown and asked her how she was doing in college and if she made any friends. She said yeah, I made friends fast! This hit me like a bullet. I can’t help but have a small part of me think that her new friends are going to replace me. When I heard that she had made a best friend I burst into tears. Luckily my roommates were in class so that I could ball my eyes out. It just made me realize how lonely I was and how much I missed my friends from high school.

I wish that making friends was easier. I don’t know why I suck at it. I snapchat my friend from home all the time saying like oh great day with no friends again. They all think I’m joking but I am actually serious. I literally have no friends here. I literally just went in the bathroom and sat there with the shower running crying because I feel so lonely and was thinking about how at the beginning of orientation they give you the statistics of students that get depression when they enter college and I was thinking that I’ll count for that percentage. It’s hard being lonely and I just wish people would give me a chance.

Advertisements

If you hate being FAT, why don’t you change it

If you hate being fat why don’t you change it? This is a question that I am often asked at school, which is sad. It’s 2017 people, shouldn’t society have changed by now???

Many people don’t know me, they don’t know my background, my medical history, my mental issues, and they don’t know how much their words hurt. Yes, I am fat you don’t need to tell me, it’s a pretty obvious thing. It’s hard enough to hate yourself for the way your shaped and how much you weigh but it makes you feel ten times shittier when people just criticize you for it.

I have tried over and over to lose weight, but it doesn’t happen. Some people don’t understand that your genetics do play a role in your size sometimes. I am a pretty active person, I go to the gym and workout like a normal human being. I do everything that a normal person does the only difference is that I am fat. Even though I can do everything they can, all they can see is my size. All my doctor can see is the numbers. I am terrified of going to the doctor because do you know how much fat shaming hurts. I know that doctors are just trying to look out for my health but sometimes they don’t put it in the nicest words. Like, yes I know, I am 250 pounds at 18. What do you want me to do! I have tried everything, literally everything. I have starved myself, made my self throw up, dieted, exercised. What more can I do? If someone knows please tell me because I hate myself like this.

I have always been the fat kid, but I was actually very active. I was on a softball team that practiced three times a week for three hours, I went to the gym. The frustration of being fat just put me in a hole of depression. Although I don’t lock myself in my room for ten plus hours of the day sulking, wanting to die, I still do struggle sometimes. It’s so hard to be confident in your own skin when you hate everything about it. You hate how it’s fat and is riddled with eczema and uneven skin tones. You hate that even by just walking up the stairs your face turns red as a tomato and you are dripping in sweat. I didn’t choose to be like this!! I don’t want to be like this! I hate myself. I hate everything about myself, I hate that I am insecure about being bi, and I hate how I look and how dumb I am. I hate how both my siblings are succeeding in life and I am the failed child. I hate how my parents will leave me behind, not even caring enough to give one phone call when I left for college.

Someone help, I need a friend

 

Finally Coming Out

So, it’s been quite a while since I wrote a blog post…………..

A lot has happened. This past week has been so chaotic. I had class, I hung out with friends, I had an exam, my family came to visit. I don’t even know where to begin.

I guess I should just start with the fact that I came out. Just 2 days ago my roommates and I were talking and the conversation got pretty deep and one of my roommates asked the other what it was like to be bisexual. My heart started racing, my face was getting hot, my hands were sweating. There I went, I just blurted it out. I don’t know how my mind did that, considering I haven’t been able to tell even by bestest of friends. But, I did it.

It felt so good! I know only 2 people in my life know now, but that’s 2 more than there were last week. It feels like a brick wall was lifted from my chest, now only a concrete slab remains. They told me that they were honored that I came out to them and that they felt like now we all have a special connection. It was so relieving for me to hear this.

It’s hard to accept yourself when for the past 5 years you’ve been pushing what makes you, you, away. I didn’t want to be different. I already had so many flaws that I saw in myself that I couldn’t bare adding another one. I am overwieght and totally an introvert which basically put me on the “don’t talk to list”. It’s a sad fact of life that I’ve had to deal with. My whole family has had trouble with weight, so I never knew how big I was until I got to middle school. Although no one ever said anything to my face, I could see the girls talking during gym class when we would change. I felt ashamed of myself. I asked myself many times why I was so fat when I played softball 5 out of the 7 days of the week. I hated myself. I had virtually no friends in middle school.

Middle school was a dark time for me. I started to not care about my grades, and I started to seperate myself from my family and what little friends that I had. At that point it felt good to be alone to me. I had read stuff about self-harm and actually considered it a number of times but never went through with it. At this point in my life I hated myself so much, I would cry myself to sleep every night. Before I left for college I read some of the journals I wrote in when I was in middle and high school. When I was reading them I noticed how much I had fallen into the hole of depression. Every page was tear stained and crinkley from the tears. I was heartbroken reading how I felt during those times.

High school wasn’t much better. Kids weren’t as mean but, this time they weren’t afraid to say it to your face. One kid in band actually told me straight to my face that I would never get drum major because I’m too fat. And, after the results came out I started to think that it was true. My dream of being drum major was crushed by my number 1 and 2 enemies. 1) my weight and 2) she who must not be named. Even today, I hate my body. The interent is on this body positive trend right now, but that is one thing I’ve never been able to do. I have never loved my body, never loved the way I looked in any sort of clothes. I hate all my flaws and  I coudn’t bare accepting that fact that I’m bisexual to make me even more different from the crowd. To further displace myself from what society sees as the perfect female.

Although I still hate my body with a burning passion, I have come to fully embrass my sexuality. I AM BISEXUAL, and it feels so fucking good to say that (pardon my french).

Why?

So, it’s been about three weeks since my college classes started, and I guess my family just missed me too much. My mom texted me this afternoon asking if the whole family could visit me on Saturday. I am actually really excited. Although it’s only been three weeks, I miss them. It’s a weird feeling. I’ve spent the past 18 years give or take a few days living with these people. Seeing them every single day whether I wanted to or not. And, in one day everything changes. Now you don’t even see them for weeks or months at a time. The only interaction you have is texts or a call here and there. I never realized how different that feels. If you have siblings you’ll totally understand me on this one. But, when you’re living with your siblings every day, you wish for any moment to get away from them. To avoid them throughout the day. To annoy the shit out of them until they break, and then feel guilty about it 20 seconds later. But, when you move to college all you can wish for is one moment to spend with them. One phone call, or facetime to talk to them.

I miss my family a lot, but, that doesn’t mean that these three weeks have inspired me to come out to them. A lot of people don’t understand how hard it is to come out to people. You’re exposing yourself. Telling people that you’re different from most. Telling people that the person they’ve known for their whole life is someone they didn’t know at all. Yes, I know that they’ll still love me and accept me but, it’s still scary.  This past week I’ve tried so hard to bring myself to tell someone. To let my feelings loose to one person. But, my body just won’t let me. My mind is almost programmed not to tell anyone. I’ve been so close yet so far. I’ve been to the send button, but the only place my finger goes from there is the delete button. I want to tell someone! But, I don’t at the same time. Why is life so confusing! I don’t understand. How is it that some people know from such a young age and are positive about these things and coming out to their family wasn’t such a big deal to them. Why can’t I be like that? Why does my mind have to overcomplicate things by a million percent? Why am I sad that I feel like I don’t trust anyone enough with this part of me? Why?

Are you okay?

When I was in high school, I didn’t understand why the graduated seniors came back to visit. I always thought that I’d never want to visit that hell hole ever again once I got out. But, now I understand. It’s not the place, it’s the people. I miss everyone. I miss my best friend and my “child”. No, he’s not my actual child, he’s only two years younger than me, but, I’ve known him since he was in sixth grade and I’m like a mom to him. I miss everyone that I was in band with, hell I even miss my band directors. Wow, never thought I’d say that.

During high school, I was like my band directors’ personal punching bag. No literally, but, I’d get yelled at all the time, for things that I wasn’t doing. But, they knew that I could handle it.  See, my band directors were more like my second set of gay parents. Sure they were brothers but that’s not the point. They cared about me. Although they yelled at me they knew when I had enough, or when I was sad, angry, happy, or just done with the day. The first moment that made me realize this was when I had volunteered to help at one of the events my band was hosting and one of the adults running it was being me to me and would yell at me My band director could tell that I was past the breaking point. He asked me if I was ok. This never happens. My band director is emotionless all the time, and if you’ve ever met him then you would know that he never does things like this. He could tell that I was hurt and on the verge of tears. Just that simple question made everything better. I instantly knew that he actually cared. It’s weird to say this but I love him. No, not in the attracted to kind of way. The I love you like a family member way. If something happened to him then I would probably break. Although he was an ass to me a lot of the time, the times that he cared made me love him like a dad. It all started with that one question. That small question. Are you okay?

I’ve been asked this question a million times. What made this time different is that I could tell that it was sincere. He cared about me, more than some of the people I’m close with in my life. Normally when I’m asked this questions it’s just a courtesy question. You know, when you see that something is different and it would be weird not to ask. When you ask the question not wanting a long response that the question really calls for. Every time this happens it’s always the same response and I bet you could guess it because we all have said it. I’m fine. But, does it mean that you’re fine. No! It never does. Why do we do this? I know the answer for why I don’t. It’s different for every person. For me, you ask? Well, I don’t like sharing my emotions, I find it more painful to express how I’m feeling and relive the antagonizing emotions I felt. I find it easier to say, “Yeah, I’m fine” than to pour my heart out about what is really wrong, about why I’m not actually ok. Why is it so hard to share this information with people? Am I the only one? Surely there has to be someone like me. Someone that just wants to suffer in silence, right?

 

Weak

I feel weak, alone, betrayed. Why does life have to be like this? One moment everything is great, your best friends with your roommates and life seems like it’s actually going good for once. Guess I should have known that life doesn’t work like that.

I feel stood up to, lied to, played. I feel weak. I thought we were friends. But I guess not. No, it’s not the same person as last time, it’s my roommates. I thought we all were good friends but I guess it’s just like high school. People putting up a fake personality. A lot of you may be thinking that I’m overexaggerating or that I just want attention but, what I’m feeling is very real. It hurts. It hurts to see the people that I thought I could trust go behind my back. Sure, they’re not talking shit but, excluding people…

I feel at an all time low. Like a total piece of garbage that no one sees, I’m that one bubble on the piece of bubble wrap that didn’t get popped. That one bubble that is all alone, never seen by people. Invisible to everything around it. It’s one thing to exclude a person from things but then to post about it on social media, right where I can see it, that’s what hurts. When you see your “great” roommies having fun together on Snapchat and they didn’t even tell you where they were going when you asked. Yeah, that’s the part that hurts. It hurts like a dagger to the heart. It hurts knowing that these people I thought were my friends would do something like this. I feel weak, like I lost my voice. Like I’m past the point of return, like I really don’t have anyone to talk to now. No one to share my deepest secrets with, no one to gossip with, to tell stories with, to vent with, to just hang with, or to eat with. I’m all alone again. After I thought things would getter better, that I might just be able to find that close friend to tell them my secret that no one but you guys know. To admit to them what I haven’t even admitted to my parents yet. To trust them like I’ve never trusted anyone before. But I thought wrong, so incredibly wrong, so far from the truth of life.

Friends…guess not…maybe

My first week of college has been one for the books. My college made a whole week of welcome with events for freshman so we could meet new people. It’s been a lot of fun but that first day of class was so nerve racking. You don’t know what college is like, and this is your first taste of it. And, it didn’t turn out too bad. I found out that my roommate from orientation is in both of my classes, this is the summer term so I’m only in 2 classes currently. I was thrilled to know that I could have a study buddy.

About a week before I moved in, I received my room assignment, I was supposed to room with this girl that I met on our housing portal but I didn’t even end up being in the same apartment as her.  We bonded over messages and assumed that even though we weren’t roommates we’d still be good friends. I thought this was going to happen but then she was in one of my classes and everything changed. I texted her for an assignment and got blown up in the face about her not caring if I did something or not. I was in shock, I thought that we were friends. But, I thought wrong.

Since the incident, I’ve tried to avoid her, not make the awkward eye contact because we both know we didn’t want to look at the other. We were successful with this until tonight. The staff on campus held an event and she sat next to me. I was a little confused at first, my mind immediately going to the conversation we had on text. I decided to ignore the past and live in the present. We conversed and pretended like nothing happened before. We joked, laughed, and sympathized with each other. Should I be cautious of thinking she is a friend now? I’m lost and confused. What should I do? How should I think?

Move in day!?

Last week was my first official week of college! When move in day came around I found myself riddled with anxiety and actually experienced my first panic attack the night before I left. It’s a big change to go through and I don’t think that my mind was prepared for this big change. Luckily I had my parents to help me move in so I wasn’t completely alone, did that mean I told them about my panic attack, nope. That’s just how I am, keeping things to myself. Does anyone relate to this? Sharing feelings just isn’t my cup of tea.

Anyways, move in went pretty smooth surprising, it didn’t even take us that long to move all my stuff into my room. Since this is the summer term all the students on campus are in one dorm building which contains only apartment style dorms. This means I currently have a room to myself.  I was super excited to meet my roomies and bond. We actually are turning out to be great friends which is a nice change from high school.

Sadly, the next day rolled around, which meant my parents were leaving. I wouldn’t say that I’m close to either of my parents, but I just spent the past 18 years living with them so I was sad when they were leaving. I tried to make the process painless and ushered them out in a world record of 0.3 seconds. I knew that if I saw my dad cry, I would instantly burst into tears. Luckily when they left neither of my roomates were in the dorm so I could cry my eyes out by myself, like usual.

After I got all the tears out of my system I didn’t know what to do with myself. No one was at the dorm, so of course, what would a teenage girl do in their freetime. Netflix! I am currently watching Vampire Diaries, and it’s pretty good, no spoilers though I’m only on the second season!!

At the end of the day I was thinking to myself about how I thought move in day would be this hideously sad, tiring, and annoying day. Where I would have to meet person after person and converse with people. But, it wasn’t, at least not for me. If you’re reading this and you haven’t moved on to college yet, I stress to you to prepare your mind. Keep your move in date in your head every day, because although you know the number it will come a lot faster that it looks on the calander. Don’t be suprised the week before that your moving in 7 days, because I was, and that’s how the anxiety and panic started for me. Knowing that I didn’t do anything over the summer with friends that I’ll won’t see in a year or forever. Don’t spend your summer days on Netflix watching the new season of Orange is the New Black or sleeping the day away because when you get to that date, that you shoved to the back of your mind, you will regret not making memories with the people you care about.

My story…

My name is Bailey and I’m bisexual…

I am currently a freshman in college, and I haven’t come out to anyone, that’s right, not even my closest friends. All throughout highschool I knew something was different about me than the other kids at my school.  I never even considered the thought of being anything other than a straight girl, that’s all I had know my entire life. I grew up in a small neighborhood with lots of friends, all of which are straight. In high school I accepeted all types of people, it didn’t matter to me if they were gay, straight, trans, etc. But, this didn’t mean I was used to the feelings I was having. I didn’t understand why I didn’t fit in or why I would get overly attached to some friends.

Not until my senior year. Senior year changed my life forever. No, I didn’t have an ‘Ah Ha’ moment that made me relize that I was bi, and even to this day I’m not 100% positive that I am, but that 90% of me that does believe I am is large enough to hold onto the feelings. Senior year I started exploring the internet. I explored shows like Rupauls Drag Race (if you haven’t seen it, stop reading this and go look it up!) and watched countless of youtube videos about what I was feeling.

Most people say, oh your not bi, you just want to experiment. But, what if I’m done experimenting. These type of people have made me scared to share any little detail of what I feel to anyone. Do you know how hard that is? Not telling anyone anything? It’s draining. Keeping your feelings bottled up inside makes the day go by slower, makes my heart ache more than it should, and it makes me cry more than anyone knows. I’m not one to show emotion to people, so when I say cry more than anyone knows, I’m being serious. I don’t cry in front of anyone. Not even my parents or sister. I grew up believing that showing these emotions to people was a sign of being an attention begger. This is why to this day, I cry myself to sleep. Many days in high school I would cry myself to sleep because I didn’t know what I was feeling. Why I felt attracted to my best friend who was a girl but also feeling attracted to that really hot guy in my Jazz Band. Why would I get so pissed when one of my best friends was telling me that she started dating this girl I knew.

This was the point that I knew. I knew that I was bi. It’s not easy to accept these feelings at first but I told myself that I could just keep it to myself and not tell anyone. I’d be at college soon enough creating a fresh start, I didn’t have to tell anyone back home. One of my bestest friends, who I won’t name, is gay. I’ve talked to him about how confused I was, but I never told him what the resolution came to be. You would think that it would be easy to tell him, right? Wrong. To this day I think about it everyday, should I text him, snapchat him, and it always ends with me not telling him. I want to, believe me I really do, but, for some reason the words just won’t come out. Is it wrong of me that I haven’t told my parents, or my siblings. Is it wrong to want to tell my supportive best before my parents because I’m scared of how they’ll react.

My parents have always been accepting people and they never have had anything against anyone. But I’m still so scared. Does anyone understand this feeling. Questions race through my head, “Will they see me as a different person”, “Will they still love me”, “Will they be ashamed of me”. These are just some of the questions that bring out my anxiety. Living with this secret is killing my insides, filling me with lonliness. I never relized how lonly I would feel. Not being able to tell anyone what happened today or how I was feeling. Alone. That’s how I’m feeling, alone.

Alone…