My name is Bailey and I’m bisexual…
I am currently a freshman in college, and I haven’t come out to anyone, that’s right, not even my closest friends. All throughout highschool I knew something was different about me than the other kids at my school. I never even considered the thought of being anything other than a straight girl, that’s all I had know my entire life. I grew up in a small neighborhood with lots of friends, all of which are straight. In high school I accepeted all types of people, it didn’t matter to me if they were gay, straight, trans, etc. But, this didn’t mean I was used to the feelings I was having. I didn’t understand why I didn’t fit in or why I would get overly attached to some friends.
Not until my senior year. Senior year changed my life forever. No, I didn’t have an ‘Ah Ha’ moment that made me relize that I was bi, and even to this day I’m not 100% positive that I am, but that 90% of me that does believe I am is large enough to hold onto the feelings. Senior year I started exploring the internet. I explored shows like Rupauls Drag Race (if you haven’t seen it, stop reading this and go look it up!) and watched countless of youtube videos about what I was feeling.
Most people say, oh your not bi, you just want to experiment. But, what if I’m done experimenting. These type of people have made me scared to share any little detail of what I feel to anyone. Do you know how hard that is? Not telling anyone anything? It’s draining. Keeping your feelings bottled up inside makes the day go by slower, makes my heart ache more than it should, and it makes me cry more than anyone knows. I’m not one to show emotion to people, so when I say cry more than anyone knows, I’m being serious. I don’t cry in front of anyone. Not even my parents or sister. I grew up believing that showing these emotions to people was a sign of being an attention begger. This is why to this day, I cry myself to sleep. Many days in high school I would cry myself to sleep because I didn’t know what I was feeling. Why I felt attracted to my best friend who was a girl but also feeling attracted to that really hot guy in my Jazz Band. Why would I get so pissed when one of my best friends was telling me that she started dating this girl I knew.
This was the point that I knew. I knew that I was bi. It’s not easy to accept these feelings at first but I told myself that I could just keep it to myself and not tell anyone. I’d be at college soon enough creating a fresh start, I didn’t have to tell anyone back home. One of my bestest friends, who I won’t name, is gay. I’ve talked to him about how confused I was, but I never told him what the resolution came to be. You would think that it would be easy to tell him, right? Wrong. To this day I think about it everyday, should I text him, snapchat him, and it always ends with me not telling him. I want to, believe me I really do, but, for some reason the words just won’t come out. Is it wrong of me that I haven’t told my parents, or my siblings. Is it wrong to want to tell my supportive best before my parents because I’m scared of how they’ll react.
My parents have always been accepting people and they never have had anything against anyone. But I’m still so scared. Does anyone understand this feeling. Questions race through my head, “Will they see me as a different person”, “Will they still love me”, “Will they be ashamed of me”. These are just some of the questions that bring out my anxiety. Living with this secret is killing my insides, filling me with lonliness. I never relized how lonly I would feel. Not being able to tell anyone what happened today or how I was feeling. Alone. That’s how I’m feeling, alone.