Why?

So, it’s been about three weeks since my college classes started, and I guess my family just missed me too much. My mom texted me this afternoon asking if the whole family could visit me on Saturday. I am actually really excited. Although it’s only been three weeks, I miss them. It’s a weird feeling. I’ve spent the past 18 years give or take a few days living with these people. Seeing them every single day whether I wanted to or not. And, in one day everything changes. Now you don’t even see them for weeks or months at a time. The only interaction you have is texts or a call here and there. I never realized how different that feels. If you have siblings you’ll totally understand me on this one. But, when you’re living with your siblings every day, you wish for any moment to get away from them. To avoid them throughout the day. To annoy the shit out of them until they break, and then feel guilty about it 20 seconds later. But, when you move to college all you can wish for is one moment to spend with them. One phone call, or facetime to talk to them.

I miss my family a lot, but, that doesn’t mean that these three weeks have inspired me to come out to them. A lot of people don’t understand how hard it is to come out to people. You’re exposing yourself. Telling people that you’re different from most. Telling people that the person they’ve known for their whole life is someone they didn’t know at all. Yes, I know that they’ll still love me and accept me but, it’s still scary.  This past week I’ve tried so hard to bring myself to tell someone. To let my feelings loose to one person. But, my body just won’t let me. My mind is almost programmed not to tell anyone. I’ve been so close yet so far. I’ve been to the send button, but the only place my finger goes from there is the delete button. I want to tell someone! But, I don’t at the same time. Why is life so confusing! I don’t understand. How is it that some people know from such a young age and are positive about these things and coming out to their family wasn’t such a big deal to them. Why can’t I be like that? Why does my mind have to overcomplicate things by a million percent? Why am I sad that I feel like I don’t trust anyone enough with this part of me? Why?

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