So, it’s been quite a while since I wrote a blog post…………..
A lot has happened. This past week has been so chaotic. I had class, I hung out with friends, I had an exam, my family came to visit. I don’t even know where to begin.
I guess I should just start with the fact that I came out. Just 2 days ago my roommates and I were talking and the conversation got pretty deep and one of my roommates asked the other what it was like to be bisexual. My heart started racing, my face was getting hot, my hands were sweating. There I went, I just blurted it out. I don’t know how my mind did that, considering I haven’t been able to tell even by bestest of friends. But, I did it.
It felt so good! I know only 2 people in my life know now, but that’s 2 more than there were last week. It feels like a brick wall was lifted from my chest, now only a concrete slab remains. They told me that they were honored that I came out to them and that they felt like now we all have a special connection. It was so relieving for me to hear this.
It’s hard to accept yourself when for the past 5 years you’ve been pushing what makes you, you, away. I didn’t want to be different. I already had so many flaws that I saw in myself that I couldn’t bare adding another one. I am overwieght and totally an introvert which basically put me on the “don’t talk to list”. It’s a sad fact of life that I’ve had to deal with. My whole family has had trouble with weight, so I never knew how big I was until I got to middle school. Although no one ever said anything to my face, I could see the girls talking during gym class when we would change. I felt ashamed of myself. I asked myself many times why I was so fat when I played softball 5 out of the 7 days of the week. I hated myself. I had virtually no friends in middle school.
Middle school was a dark time for me. I started to not care about my grades, and I started to seperate myself from my family and what little friends that I had. At that point it felt good to be alone to me. I had read stuff about self-harm and actually considered it a number of times but never went through with it. At this point in my life I hated myself so much, I would cry myself to sleep every night. Before I left for college I read some of the journals I wrote in when I was in middle and high school. When I was reading them I noticed how much I had fallen into the hole of depression. Every page was tear stained and crinkley from the tears. I was heartbroken reading how I felt during those times.
High school wasn’t much better. Kids weren’t as mean but, this time they weren’t afraid to say it to your face. One kid in band actually told me straight to my face that I would never get drum major because I’m too fat. And, after the results came out I started to think that it was true. My dream of being drum major was crushed by my number 1 and 2 enemies. 1) my weight and 2) she who must not be named. Even today, I hate my body. The interent is on this body positive trend right now, but that is one thing I’ve never been able to do. I have never loved my body, never loved the way I looked in any sort of clothes. I hate all my flaws and I coudn’t bare accepting that fact that I’m bisexual to make me even more different from the crowd. To further displace myself from what society sees as the perfect female.
Although I still hate my body with a burning passion, I have come to fully embrass my sexuality. I AM BISEXUAL, and it feels so fucking good to say that (pardon my french).