It’s been a while…

Its been over 2 years since I visited this blog, and let me tell you, so much has changed.

The last post I had now that I read back was me not finding any friends. About a month into my fall semester of freshman year I bonded with one of my roommates, I’ll call her Khloe. Me and Khloe were inseparable I told her my darkest secrets, I came out to her, we were practically sisters, up until this year when things started going south, but I’ll get into that in a bit. In addition to becoming best friends with Khloe, I started babysitting, I got a job on campus, I was getting good grades, and I started to feel like I was finally coming out of my dark hole that I had been in for so long.

When freshman year was over I couldn’t wait to go back to school, I missed Khloe and my life at college. I fell in love with my job and became best friends with my coworker, who I’ll call Ivana. Sophomore year just got even better. I had a group of friends now, I was happy on the daily, and I didn’t have any reason not to be, life was great. Sophomore year was the most unproblematic year I experienced. As Sophomore year started to wrap up I became incredibly close with my 2 friends from work, Ivana and Michael. They were and still are my ride or dies. I wanted my friend Khloe to experience this too, so I convinced her to apply at the office we all work at. She got accepted, and I thought that nothing could get better! But it got worse, and I soon realized that Khloe and I’s values don’t line up. She is dedicated to her family and whatever they taught her goes, so when we started talking about mental health issues I became on edge. She considers people with mental illnesses as weak people, and if they commit suicide then it’s just natural selection, survival of the fittest. This was the start of the end of a friendship I thought would never end.

Junior year (aka this year) is where Khloe and I separated most. As she dealt with our job I could see her views more and more. I started to feel attacked by her opinions because I had been that “weak” person she talks about, and slowly I started slipping back. The first semester of this school year I tried to ignore her words and what she thought about the job. I ended up hanging out with my friends Ivana and Michael more often, trying to escape the fighting going on in my brain with contradicting views between Khloe and I. Slowly this started to take a tole on me. I started taking Khloe’s words to heart, and I’m scared of her judging me for ANYTHING. My anxiety has never been so bad in my life than now. Winter break hit and I never realized how much of a break I needed from Khloe, but I missed Ivana and Michael so much. This is when I started to realize that even if Khloe didn’t think so, our friendship was falling apart.

Coming back for the spring semester this January, I hung out with Ivana and Michael everyday, desperately trying to avoid Khloe.  I’ve come to realize that my true family is Ivana and Michael, and so I dedicate more of my time to them, I tell them all of my secrets, coming out to them, telling them about the painful stuff that has gone on in my life including my sexual assault and mental struggles which I never have told Khloe. This is how I realized that they were my real family and my true friends. I know they would never judge me for anything. Even though I’m distancing myself from Khloe, I still get anxious about her thoughts about me. These thoughts still torment my mind about being weak and at some point I started to believe her, as her comments about it increase. Am I truly weak? Looking back on this blog I realized how life really is a roller coaster, there’s so many ups and downs, but is it possible to be up and down simultaneously because that’s how I feel my life is at the moment.